fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
