why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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