Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
