I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
