They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
