During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
