I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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