i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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