the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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