I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
false alarm, still single
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
