if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
