Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
