I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize