i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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