I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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