Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
