I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
