sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
