Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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