I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
