I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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