the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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