You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
