Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I enjoy the company of your penis
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