I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
