the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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