It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
