Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
