it's too hot outside to masturbate.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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