U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
