I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I did not marry a roomba.
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