He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
