i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
