Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
