She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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