This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
