you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
