is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
