maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
