Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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