if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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