doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
