Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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