I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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