he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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