He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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