The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
