why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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