I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
