Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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