that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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