Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i think my tv is drunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
