I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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