Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
