THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
