I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
