I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just invented taco cereal.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
