My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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