This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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