His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
