I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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