When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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