he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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