just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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