She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In other news, I just burned my penis
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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