He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
