Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
