i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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