Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize