I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
